Something I’ve always been proud of is my ability to get my thoughts down on paper, and express my ideas to other people. Basically, I was the bare minimum of a writer, but we all have to start somewhere. Moving forward is the problem.
As I’ve gotten older, and my thoughts on the world and philosophy in general have become messier, I’ve found it impossible to articulate myself. I have all these thoughts swirling in my head, bathing in a soup of confusion and non-expression, and I cannot clear my mind.
Yes, I can meditate, journal, and find some creative outlets that will turn the nonstop noise into a diminuendo. But that doesn’t quite solve the problem, nor satisfy myself.
I want to be able to tell people my thoughts. I don’t even necessarily want to tell them, I just want to be able to. This is the first time since I was a screaming toddler that I haven’t been able to, and I feel helpless.
Before I could speak, way back at the turn of the century, I, like any other baby, would cry. I would cry until my parents correctly guessed what I was crying about, as they hit my snooze button, only to have me start wailing an hour later.
This is until my mother gave me the gift of expression. See, she knew sign language (ASL), and trained me to associate different hand gestures with food, milk, or anything else I may want. This allowed her to communicate with me, so she wouldn’t try to feed me when I needed to be changed. After a surprisingly sort amount of time, she found that I started signing to her. I could actually tell her what I wanted, saving time, and saving her from headaches.
This is what I long for now. I need to find a form of expression, a medium of getting my thoughts out of my head. I don’t know what this entails, unfortunately. Maybe it is becoming a better writer. Maybe it is learning a new form of story telling. What I do know is that I won’t stop searching until I find this, because my daily thoughts are holding me as an insomnia-faded hostage every night as I try to drift to sleep. And if there is one thing I know how to express, it is my love of sleep.